An iv19 Sol 22° Leo, Luna 13° Pisces Dies Lunæ Monday, August 15, 2011 e.v. 10:39 AM

Just when I think I've got it all figured out.  LOL.  Well.  I've left my local OTO body for a while.  Was only doing so because I was feeling overwhelmed with my new career and doing oasis stuff, and was going to leave in September.  However, other choices were made for me which leave me ostracized much earlier.  Some fraternity.  I grumble displeased but will comment no further.

I've been up and down trying to apprehend a venture.  Along the way my own magick has preoccupied my mind, plus walking two or so miles a day.  I've also been working with Primerica, which has been interesting.  I still don't know what to think but the people are highly motivational and my trainer in particular makes life seem like it can only get better.  I'm looking forward to it.

Had a breakthrough in my own mind, wrote the first poem I've written in years. The beginning is personal, the end is profound.

The Garden.

I wish I could remember how this dream began

I’ve tried to re create it, but I lost it, my friend.

I can’t even recall the moment that I fell to sleep.

But what I do remember was the most beautiful thing.

I should have had knowledge that dreams had an end

But I tried so to slumber and recall it again.

I have never my lifetime dreamed a dream so sublime

That I’d cling to forever, just to drink from the vine.

But somewhere I should have realized the dream had gone

When I awakened and found myself, the dreamer, alone.

That shadow that followed gave me comfort and shade

But the shadow was imagined, and the shelter unmade.

I cannot recall, love, when I fell to sleep.

I must have been tired, must have needed to dream.

For it was real, and was tender, and began long ago

And I refused to awaken for the dream I loved so.

Forgotten the struggle, the dream strung through time.

And I fought to stay sleeping and slumber a while.
Then I awakened, and shocked, that the dream ill had gone.

I did not want to wake and find me, the dreamer alone.

Let me sleep now, let me slumber

Let me dream once again.

Let me create us a Garden of innocence, my friend.

Let me never awaken to find myself dreaming alone

That I had fallen to sleep, and my love, unknown.

Let me drift, let me imagine, let me hope and create

Once again the beginning of this romance so great.

And let me never be roused, leave my sleep undisturbed.

So I can be innocent, my lover, unhurt.

I can’t even remember when I fell to sleep.

But I dreamed rather quickly the most wonderful dream.

We were One, not another, we knew nothing but love.

We flew heights together, my soul-mate, my dove.

And you were perfect, our love innocent,

And our dreams were the same.

We knew, nor desired otherwise, nothing Else had been made
That was not ours, a creation, manifestation of One thought

Our dreaming minds created, perfected, begotten.

Somewhere, forgotten, the start of the dream.

We both shifted our bodies and a ripple was made

That roused us, one another, and the doze became troubled.

And we both became dreamers, struggling separate, to remember.

But forgetting, uncreated, Our One dream forgotten.

And we slept, and we slumbered, and we tried, but imperfect

To dream of our Garden, our dream once connected.

By our hopes, and our memories, distorted, undone.

Of a time and a dream when we dreamed Love as One.

Should it last, eternal, should we recall that Garden?

And remember, together, when the dream was begotten?

And fold back together, and be One who dreams Dreams

As a Unity, without knowledge of existence, a tapestry seamed.

Perhaps I am now dreaming, and this dream whence I made

A dream which created by my self only, a delusion, a shade.

Forgotten, my Other, the Origin of Love

Unable to remember that I slumbered, my dove.

I cannot remember and yet try to sleep.

It is folly, this Garden, this World, and this dream.

There is nothing in sleeping, but phantoms untamed

When the dreamers have forgotten that as One, we were made.

When the slumber has created a world and a mind

That mocking the perfection of creation does bind.

Rather than caressing the soul cast as One.

There the glory of innocence,

Where the moon is the Sun.

-Aedria, 8-5-11

Now I'm going to go off to do other things, will likely not blog again for a spell.  Less time than ever now that I've started a career and have the kids off to school.

An iv19 Sol 12° Leo, Luna 20° Libra Dies Jovis Thursday, August 04, 2011 e.v. 2:15 PM

The four youngest kids are in school!  All day!  What have I decided to do with myself?
I have been involved in the Ordo Templi Orientis for a while, and have met some of the most wonderful people there.  Some of the people are there, from appearances, for some kind of social club atmosphere or grown-up games.  Some of them are genuinely kindred souls on a journey along a current which is undeniable.

Recently, there has been a huge change in the women I've met there.  We are all finding ourselves.  Losing weight, starting ventures, becoming beautiful.  It is amazing to see.  It is a transformation that has been very poignant in my own circle of Sisterhood, and along the venture in my local area there are several of us who have gotten started creating our own businesses with the help of a very secure and exceptionally encouraging place called Primerica.  I have spent the last month with two Sisters who have shown me that potential and Will are not something we have to fight for.  We have it in us, God lives AS us, and we are going out in the world and helping people in a way that is so less soul draining than any other venture I've ever looked into.

My first thought was to be cautious, and of course I am being so.  However, seeing the optimism, the glow, the great strength that my Sisters who have come from places where women were subjugated.  I am encouraged.  My baby is 5 now, my oldest is an adult and perfect and independent.  I am stepping out into the industry of finance.  I am working towards an insurance license, and a securities license.  Even with these alone should this venture prove to not be my will I have two very secure doors from which to emerge into the world and be.  I am excited beyond excited to have the opportunity to both work with these most Excellent Sisters who are showing me the truth of Fraternity.  And I am most excited to see the transformation in myself which is uncovering the Beauty which I have hidden for so long.  My own beauty, which is the reflection of my Higher, who is once again guiding me with Truth and Wisdom,..

I am so happy, I have reached my first set weight loss goal.  Honestly, at one point I weighed 265 pounds. Granted I was pregnant with my littlest at the time, but that weight didn't go when she was born.  That weight didn't go when I fought and fasted.  That weight didn't go until I was in my temple one day frustrated in my asana because my belly sat on my lap halfway down my sleeping legs which made me angry.  I said to myself "I would be happy at 168".  I weighed myself this morning at 167.  It is amazing to me.  Almost one hundred pounds is gone.  I can wear a size 12!  Hooray for a statement of Will!  My next goal is my IQ, which is 147.

I was frustrated a couple of days ago.  I had been trying to get my stuff lined up for me to be able to get the kids school supplies.  All of our kids started school Monday with old backpacks and a school  box and a few crayons.  I called the DHS and they hemmed and hawed around and didn't call me back in time to use some of the services. I asked for a referral anyway on faith.  Was going to use the child support to buy some shoes, it didn't come again this week.  On Wednesday morning, right after Mercury went retrograde in Virgo, I did something ludicrous.  I invoked Mercury right after AM resh.  I went back into the temple after noon and did it again, full invocation this time placating to the God to be lassoed backwards to me, hearing my pleas to communicate to the Universe our needs.  Asking for swiftness, resolution to our school supply problems and my husband's disability claim (his type 1 diabetes has worsened significantly).
Last night all things were skew-wise.  I was vibrating with force, still reeling from almost giving myself heatstroke when invoking Mars on Tuesday in 109 degree weather (thus 102 degree temple) and a headache of epic proportions started as I did my invocations to Mercury.  I was really afraid that I had really done something which was contrary to my desires.  I had discordance everywhere I turned.  I ended up at one am in my temple in tears in my chain circle ready to lie there and let heatstroke take me completely.  Then something happened.  Something moved.

I didn't sleep all night, not worrying but just in constant thought.  Mercury chatting.  Mercury once told me that He "Informs" Tiphereth.  

This morning my husband took the referral to the Presbyterian Urban Missions.  They not only agreed to supply all the kids' school supply needs but they filled our cabinets with food.  Not just canned stuff but fresh veggies and fruit and sweet potatoes. Enough to share with my Sisters!  Even meats!  Backpacks of school supplies and even toiletries. They also paid the rest of our Gas bill, freeing up our little bit of money to cover the electric bill.  

And right after that great news, Social Security called.  That is moving too!

And then, my wonderful Sister, Team Leader and growing to be awesome friend and ally came to help grow my optimism even more.  Tonight we've got another meeting.  With all of this, as soon as the money comes available for my application for licenses (which I KNOW will come at the perfect due time) I can move forward to a point where I will make money.  Not month to month scrounging hourly work, but residual recurrent income.  It wont be long before I can buy myself a car, and I'm making such contacts that I have a great feeling I will find someone to buy my house- so I can stay until I can buy it from them.  That is my ultimate desire.  I love my house.  I love my temple.  I love where I live, the kids' schools, the proximity to my Oasis.  Everything.  The Universe did not give me it to take it away.  I have to believe that.  I knew and recognized this house when I first set eyes upon it on a section 8 website.  It is mine.

Now I've got to go. I've got to get cleaned up because I'm meeting my Team with Primerica tonight. We're going to move mountains!

An iv19 Sol 3° Leo, Luna 13° Gemini Dies Martis Tuesday, July 26, 2011 e.v. 2:15 PM

Got up this morning with a brilliant thought in my head.  Went back to sleep.  Too much brilliance makes motherovchaos a dull mom.

My poor little fourteen year old daughter is experiencing her first big break up.  I don't really know what to do to comfort her other than to say boys are jerks.  In the meantime, school is just around the corner, Monday morning in fact, and there's so much to do beforehand.  I have not seen hide nor hair of the child support I rely on to help with this kind of stuff, and so my state of mind is pretty stressed.

Have not really wanted to do any magick.  Mostly I've been making copious amounts of noodle salad.  Guess my magick is in the kitchen right now.

An iv19 Sol 29° Cancer, Luna 25° Aries Dies Veneris Friday, July 22, 2011 e.v. 2:06 PM

Have been battling with the interwebs, either one neighbor or another is my net benefactor; they do not know that though.  The interwebs are always sporadic, not great for a blogger huh?

It's been several days of 100 degrees weather.  We're huddled in the main living room with a barely adequate air conditioner turned down to 68.  That being a number we would hope it would reach, but the thermometer boasts of a cool 89.  It's much better than upstairs, and the temple is unapproachable except for the few and the strong. I spend an hour or so in there every day, that's about the extent of my monkhood.

The girlies are getting ready for school.  I've waited 20 years to have them all in school all day, and this year I'll be seeing 7:30 a.m. to 3:00 without kiddos in my house.  What am I going to do with myself?  I've got 20 years of sleep to catch up on!

Tirzah and Sarah just brought me a yellow locust who apparently only has 4 legs and is swaying back and forth on their fingers.  I think perhaps they're trying to get my attention, so I'm off for another span of time while mothering.

An iv19 Sol 21° Cancer, Luna 13° Capricorn Dies Jovis Thursday, July 14, 2011 e.v. 9:38 AM

I ended up staying up all night last night, my mind whirring with philosophy.  Previous to doing so, I had been digging through my east altar looking for my hide scraping stone and found wrapped in a sigil of Furcas four lead seals which I do not recall making.  I had thought I had found all of them and put them in my brass vessel.
I blame the philosophy storm on the philosophy entity.  What a good boy.
I still don't know why the seals are multiplying.  Perhaps I've used mirrors too much.

An iv19 Sol 21° Cancer, Luna 2° Capricorn Dies Mercurii Wednesday, July 13, 2011 e.v. 2:00 PM

It's been hot, and the benevolent interweb skygod hasn't been smiling on me as much as I would like.  Today seems like an exceptional day, woke up to find the light on my laptop blinking 'your computer is now connected'. What joy!
I have been stumbling through a very good book.  Generally I don't read them cover to cover, that's just the way I learn, but this one is incredible.  It is called the Spiritual Technology of Ancient Egypt, by Edward F Malkowski.  I do not know if this guy is a Thelemite, but his work is bringing new light to my understanding of the Book of the Law.  Incredible insights on quantum mechanics and even the sacred sciences through history and the story of the Christ have been presented in such a way that I can see a paramount of possibility and it's expanding my mind greatly.
A few weeks ago I did a goetic evocation to the spirit Furcas.  I am finding results, also, due to that evocation, culminating in my ability to categorize and apprehend concepts of such abstract material.  I can't say enough good for goetic working, and my drive to continue and bring all of the 72 to the forefront has to be stifled by pure caution.
Speaking of this evocation, I thought I'd share my diary entry for it:

Entered temple at 1:15 a.m. for Goetic evocation as prepared for.  Moon is full.  It is not an auspicious day nor is it an auspicious time in the year for the spirit. 

Arranged temple with alchemical chain circle and triangle without to the east.  Circle containing tools of exorcism, bell, sword, holy oil, salt, water, font, incense and censor, key of Solomon and my grimiore book, two candles, dagger, pen, diary, sigil and all invocations and charge written and the drawn sigil of the spirit.  Crystal ball on top of the lead sigil of the spirit I had already made, in triangle, at first covered.

Purified and consecrated temple by thelemic formula, LBRP using wand, LHR using dagger, Sephirotic Prayer, negative confession from Greater Key, Bornless ritual, first and second keys after the ritual of opening the veil of paroketh to open spirit tablet.  At that point the candles had burn low and my incense was almost all gone.  Using the little light left, did the evocation of the spirit, and the welcome once the spirit came.  The spirit showed up quickly and immediately when I called his name the very first time in my summoning which I pronounced aloud and in english.  He was about twenty inches tall, and did not manifest as a form that had any substance, the light didn’t go through him but it seemed to bend.  He didn’t say anything, and I got a particularly annoyed air from him.  I made the charge to spirit after binding him in my welcome.  I did not get any reply from him after sitting quietly for a few minutes.  He just stood there, sometimes more visible than other times.  I finished sitting there, losing candlelight badly and would have to leave the circle if I didn’t wrap things up for light, and made the license to depart.  He disappeared immediately when I said “I license thee to depart”, and was gone visibly before I finished the entire speech of binding him to come again when I called, as if the entire hologram which was his manifestation was simply turned off.

Pulled tarot, what did I summon?  The Fool.

Tarot reading, Success being the central card flanked by Satiety and Queen of Wands.

Banished temple with Star Ruby.  Cleaned up the entire thing, put the lead seal face down on the black skry mirror with the other seals.  Summoning was concluded at 2:22, left temple at 3:00 am.

An iv19 Sol 13° Cancer, Luna 11° Virgo Dies Martis Tuesday, July 05, 2011 e.v. 3:52 PM

Dear Probationer of the A.'.A.'.,

Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.

If it 'seemeth' you good, it probably invokes the demiurge upon you.  Enjoy.

Love is the law, love under will.

OV

and my response:

Clinging to that gilded gown,

Tiny as a child

Time rolled back into nothing

And He smiles, oblivious of my pulling strain upon his golden flowing mane.

And pain.

It is as sweet as berries, grapes and wine and rosy cherries

Overflowing in great cups and bowls of silence and of fate.

O’ wise one! Whose great and fearful wonder

Tears the world I know asunder!

Blinds me sweetly in such light

As sun that parts the day from night.